We’ve rounded up some of the funniest Cheers quotes that will leave you crying tears of laughter
32 Funny Cheers Quotes That’ll Have You Doubled Over Laughing
Updated on Apr. 14, 2025
The classic ’80s TV show Cheers launched the careers of popular TV and movie stars like Woody Harrelson and Ted Danson, and it’s remembered all these years later for its iconic Cheers quotes. These are some of the funniest one-liners and back-and-forth exchanges in television history, so it’s no wonder TV buffs and casual viewers alike have been laughing over these famous Cheers quotes for decades.
Some of the actors who said these classic lines, like Kirstie Alley, who played Rebecca, are no longer with us. Reader’s Digest rounded up some of the funniest Cheers quotes to keep the laughter going. Keep reading to see if your favorite made the list.
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1. “I am going to need something to kill time before my second beer. Uh … how about a first one?” —Norm
2. “It was a magical moment. You know, it was like I was transported back in time. I wasn’t a tired old woman with six kids. I was a fresh young teenager with two kids.” —Carla
3. Coach: “How’s life treating you, Norm?”
Norm: “Like I just ran over its dog.”
4. “For your information, I am not seeing anybody. But the guy who knocked me up and ran this time is ten times classier than you.” —Carla
5. “Look at Diane and me, we waited five years to get married. If it were up to me we’d wait another five … The point is you’ve got to get to know each other better if you’re going to take a big step like this. You gotta get past this early infatuation and get to the point where you’re sick and tired of each other. Then you’re ready for marriage.” —Sam
6. Carla: “There’s some things he doesn’t know about me.”
Diane: “Well a little mystery is good for a marriage. What haven’t you told him?”
Carla: “Well I haven’t been completely honest about my kids.”
Diane: “What haven’t you told him about your kids?”
Carla: “That they live.”
7. “What’s the point of winning if you can’t humiliate the other team?” —Coach
8. “You know, I really think I can put together a great Thanksgiving dinner. This’ll be the second one that I’ve cooked, and believe me, the first one was not the disaster that my family said it was. Those kids had a pretty good time in that ambulance.” —Rebecca
9. Sam: “Hey, what’s going on, Normie?”
Norm: “My birthday, Sammy. Give me a beer, stick a candle in it and I’ll blow out my liver.”
10. “Ooh, a bitter and unprovoked attack. I like it!” —Carla
11. “Women. You can’t live with ’em. Pass the Beer Nuts.” —Norm
12. “You need help. Real help, not Frasier.” —Rebecca (to Sam)
13. Woody: “Can I pour you a draft, Mr. Peterson?”
Norm: “A little early isn’t it, Woody?”
Woody: “For a beer?”
Norm: “No, for stupid questions.”
14. “I don’t even want to make the goal, Diane. I want to be a bench warmer. The world needs bench warmers. If there were no bench warmers, what would we have? Cold benches. A lot of cold benches, and the world does not need that … Norm Peterson is totally happy being an anonymous cog in the gigantic machinery of this firm.” —Norm
15. Coach: “What’s the story, Norm?”
Norm: “A thirsty guy walks into a bar. You finish it.”
16. “Sam, if brains were money you’d have to take out a loan for a cup of coffee.” —Diane
17. “You cannot believe a word that comes out of his mouth. Ya know, if you could fix TVs and crack walnuts on your forehead, you could be my ex-husband.” —Carla
18. “Oh, now you’re saying that I’m redundant, that I repeat myself, that I say things over and over!” —Frasier
19. Carla: “Diane, I heard screams.”
Diane: “Oh, I dreamt I was being murdered.”
Carla: “Was I the one who was murdering you?”
Diane: “No.”
Carla: “Was I helping in any way?”
20. “I sold out womankind for a trip to Bermuda.” —Diane
21. “It’s a dog-eat-dog world, and I’m wearing Milk-Bone underwear.” —Norm
22. Woody: “How would a beer feel, Mr. Peterson?”
Norm: “Pretty nervous if I was in the room.”
23. “Once the trust goes out of a relationship, it’s really no fun lying to them anymore.” —Norm
24. Sam: “How’s life treating you?”
Norm: “It’s not, Sammy, but that doesn’t mean you can’t.”
25. “When I and everyone else in the world say I love you, we are opening up the very core of our being. When you say it, you’re just clearing your throat.” —Diane (to Sam)
26. “You know I don’t ask for much in this life; fresh fish, 10 cents off on laundry detergent, volcanic boils all over my ex-husband and the Sox in the series again before I die.” —Carla
27. Cliff: “Well Carla, it is common knowledge I’m scientifically handy. As a matter of fact, I spent a good part of my youth in a laboratory.”
Carla: “And you’d still be there today if the chimpanzee hadn’t taught you how to open your cage.”
28. Cliff: “What a pathetic display. I’m ashamed God made me a man.”
Carla: “I don’t think God’s doing a lot of bragging about it either.”
29. “I lost my dream job, and when I walked out of that House of Pancakes, I felt two inches tall.” —Rebecca
30. Candi: “What’s your name?”
Frasier: “Oh, uh … Dr. Frasier Crane.”
Candi: “I’m Candi.”
Frasier: “Ah, yes, so I see from your necklace. Candi with an ‘I.'”
Candi: “Well, I used to spell it with a ‘Y’ but nobody ever took me seriously, so then I switched it to an ‘I.’ You know, like Gandhi.”
Frasier: “Yes, yes. I understand that’s why he did it.”
31. Rebecca: “Until I began eating clean, I never realized how good a nice, dry rice cake could taste.”
Woody: “How can you eat those, Miss Howe, they don’t have any flavor.”
Rebecca: “Oh, if I eat these I will live longer.”
Woody: “Well, I have a question. You know how you’re always talking about how you hate your life? How come you wanna make it longer?”
32. Woody: “How are you feeling today, Mr. Peterson?”
Norm: “Poor.”
Woody: “I’m sorry to hear that.”
Norm: “No, I mean pour.”
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